I just pynch a tree in the face
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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