So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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