my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
