You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
