I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
