Will you blow on my dice?
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
