There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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