I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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