I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
