There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
