And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
