i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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