i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
