she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
