I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I need a beard to bite.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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