Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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