I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
