So drunk its hurt
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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