I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
