i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
