I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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