With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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