I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
