could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
