Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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