I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
