somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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