I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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