Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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