my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
