We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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