you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
