i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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