my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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