Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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