Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize