I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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