I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
