I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
