I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
