If i come over, it means nothing
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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