They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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