Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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