Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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