Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i dont even know how to be here
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
