I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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