one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
