Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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