Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
