u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
