i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
