i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
