While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
