haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
