My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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