so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I currently don't understand fingers.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
