The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
